I Do Not Understand People Who Flirt At the Gym

Perpetual Plot Hole

Since I happen to think that cake and marshmallows are two of the essential food groups, it’s pretty important that I hit the gym on a regular basis.*
*When I feel like it and am not busy eating cake and marshmallows.

Nutrients are for the weak This is why I go to the gym.

Which means that when I go to the gym, I’m going to burn as many calories as humanly possible**. I’m not going to flirt. I’m not even going to make eye contact with people, just in case they might later recognize me in public after having seen me at the gym.
**So I can eat cake for dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I have cute workout clothes. They make me feel perky and healthy and dedicated to running.
A miracle, because I hate running. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.

Workout pants are almost as cute as yoga pants Facial enthusiasm in this image…

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To the woman at Burger King:

My name is Lynzee.

I watched your daughter run around today. I loved her sweet smile and listened to her infectious laugh. She was one of those kids that you’d just love to take home with you–especially since I’d love to have a girl someday. I smiled when I saw her earrings and told my friend how cute her clothes were. I saw her blow kisses as my son told her goodbye…and I listened with disappointment as you proceeded to tell your one year old daughter that boys are bad.

Now even though you said this right in front of me, I thought about just brushing it off. I’m sure it was an innocent comment and you didn’t think before you said it. But some of the most damaging things can start that way. Some of the things that stick with kids the longest are things you didn’t think they even paid attention to.

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Eavesdropping Advisory

Drew Chial

Weather Drew A warning to rude people, on behalf of writers everywhere. We’re issuing an eavesdropping advisory: if you don’t have an indoor voice, expect to end up in one of our stories. If your temperance drops, and you put a shrill into the air, you’re begging for a role in our next adventure. If you blow white noise conditions out your molar vortex, we owe it to future generations to make a record of it. If you’re a severe weather friend, letting out an arctic blast every time you vent, we’ll be there to chronicle it.

To those who suffer from line blindness. Who steal spots because they feel entitled. Who complain about having to wait, when they couldn’t be bothered to make an appointment. When you say you want to give management a piece of your mind, we’re the ones who really take it.

We welcome you line cutters, you…

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A Tale in Eight Words

And Another Thing, Hon

There is a legend about Ernest Hemingway, in which the author bets a group of his fellow writers that he can compose an entire short story in six words. No one believes him, so he ups the ante to $10 from everyone who says he can’t. And then he writes the following words on a napkin:

“For Sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.”

We can assume that Hemingway won his bet. In the context of the time period, these words — by this particular writer — require only a fragment of imagination to put together an emotionally charged story of hopeful anticipation, heartbreaking loss, and the moving forward of the human spirit. The words are simple; the tale they evoke is profound.

Over the past week, another simple sentence has been in my mind:

“A gunman opened fire in a crowded mall.” 

In just eight words, within the context of our…

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I’ve met my next cold, and its name is Dwayne.

My Dog Ate a Lightbulb

iStock_000022475399Small

I’m not what you call germ-obsessed. I don’t have a bottle of hand sanitizer strapped to my purse. But I do take public transportation, which in the winter can be extremely hazardous to your health. They have posters in the buses and subway cars reminding people to essentially “sneeze in your sleeve.” No more do we cover our mouths with our hands. That is just so wrong, but you knew that, didn’t you?

Yesterday, I was on my way to the airport and managed to snag the very last seat on the shuttle bus. The gentleman next to me moved his carry-on bag out of the way to make room for me, and I noticed his name on the ID tag: Dwayne.

We had gone maybe a mile when he started sneezing. Violent spasms. Again and again: “Ah-CHEW! CHEW!”

And the spray. Oh, sweet mother, I’ve been hit!

“Bless you,”…

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TOWARD NOT EATING ANIMALS

ANIMAL

2pigs From Wikipedia Commons. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2pigs.jpg
By Titanium22

I got sober from drugs and alcohol in 2000. In the process of recovering I realized that from then on spirituality was going to be an important focus of my life—that it had to be, since the connection to a Higher Power was necessary to keep me sober and alive.

I didn’t realize that recovery would connect me to myself as well, to what was really inside me.

During the early part of my recovery I realized that spirituality could be an open field to play on. I grew up around Catholicism and I didn’t feel like it was that way at all when I was young. I realized that my Higher Power could be one of my own understanding—that I had a lot of room to explore.

So I started exploring. One day I was reading a passage written by a Buddhist monk…

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What’s the big deal about mocking someone’s accent?

so long as it's words

As a society, we’re getting better at not being dicks to each other. It’s a slow progression, but some hurdles have been royally leapt: women can vote, homosexual couples can adopt, and ethnic minorities legally have access to the same goods and services as everybody else. Of course, we still deal with individual douche-canoes mouthing off at people because of their sexuality, gender identity, race, ability, age, body shape or a million other things; institutionalised prejudice hasn’t been eradicated; and prejudice is still enacted on a micro-level, often not from a malicious footing, but as the product of a society still breaking free of intolerant belief systems (that blasted patriarchy!). I’ve painted a cheery picture there, haven’t I? … but in general, while things are by no stretch of the imagination fixed, in most ways they’re getting better, and we’re a lot sounder to each other than we used to…

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Getting Dissed by a Dolphin

theLuxPats - Old

kyra4

Growing up, there were two kinds of kids in the world: kids who had been to Disneyland and kids who hadn’t. If you were in the first group, we poor kids naturally hated your guts.

My own family’s version of a vacation was a 13-hour non-stop drive to Salt Lake City to visit relatives twice a year. And by non-stop I mean non-stop, the kind of car trip that necessitates the special cup you just do not spill if you value your life, but which my brother once spilled anyway and the car never smelled the same again.

My mom tried to convince us that Salt Lake was exciting by calling it Mormonland! While it was indeed fun and creepy to watch them grin around their abnormally large white teeth and see them refuse to drink Coke (as a kid this was a sure sign that they were all…

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Parallels

Often & Well

I’ll preface this by saying that it’s been 43 days since I’ve been home. That doesn’t sound long, but it’s getting to that time where I need a nice break from the crazy and to indulge in some family time and doggy kisses.

Perhaps it’s the 43 days, perhaps it’s the imminence of graduation and the inherent uncertainty that comes along with it. Perhaps it’s something else entirely. But for a few weeks now I’ve battled the strange feeling of living in the ‘in between’. I don’t live at home, but I can’t really call my room at school a home because I will eventually be forced to leave (check in with me in a few months to see if the guards had to drag me out or not).

It’s a funny place, this ‘in between.’ It’s like I have many homes, and no homes. It was probably around my…

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Becky says things about … reasons to be cheerful

BECKY SAYS THINGS

Oh, brave Listener. We’ve all had a bit of a rough time recently.

There are several reasons why we are all feeling a bit peeved, irked, and somewhat vexed:

1) It is February. February is an obnoxiously depressing month, it knows it, and it doesn’t care. February is insufferable.

2) We are still paying off our Christmas credit card bills. This is intolerable.

3) Our New Year’s resolution diet and exercise regimes have failed miserably and we are eating more doughnuts, peanut butter, and full fat milk than ever before to cope with the depression of February and Christmas credit card bills.

cheerful5

4) The couples amongst us have had a relationship-busting argument on Valentine’s Day, and the singletons amongst us have just been reminded that they are SINGLE and ALONE and destined to remain that way for the rest of their sorry lives.

5) There is nothing to look forward…

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